From the archives: Saying goodbye...

... is so difficult.

I keep telling myself, this isn't really goodbye! In the end it will feel like a blink-and-you-miss-it-trip and it will be as if nothing changed. But that's not true and the closer I get to my time of departure the more I can sense that something really big is going to happen in the near future.

I know that in the next few months, my life and the lives of my closest friends will take this giant leap. And for the first time we will not be there to witness the change in each other's lives. But it is going to be incredible. I can feel it in my bones.

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This was one year ago. Life has turned upside down in this one year. I've moved. Started graduate school. Met some ridiculously inspiring people. Visited a new continent. Had the most incredible, life changing experiences. I can't believe that the year is coming to a close and that very soon I'll be writing a post very similar to the one I wrote a year ago, only this time for people I've met in this foreign land.

Promise for the second year of post-grad? Write about everything that happens here.

How I fell for a cliché...

Today started off as a difficult, grey, cold and busy day. It ended as a day full of laughter (some of it drunken) and a whole load of love.

I spent the evening with my newest friends finding out about each other's life, sharing delicious gossip, getting drunk, playing Resistance and generally being noisy. So as I left this party and raced from one end of the campus to the other end at midnight to wish P on his birthday and spend time with my chaddi-buddies, I realized what had begun as a burdensome day had turned into a lovely one.

Friends, old and new, are my pick-me-ups! I've fallen for the cliche. It's Valentine's Day and I feel loved.

Blregh :-/

It must be a really depressing day if not even exercise in the gym with some really fantastic eye candy can make me happy.

Yes I'm back in Bombay and back to the gym. Whee! Blregh.

From the archives: Another Essay. Another take-out. Another year.

I wrote this the day I got my admit letters. I can still feel the euphoria in the words :) Perhaps I never put it up because it reads like a Bollywood awards night thank you letter - naming random events and people and coming across as a little bit conceited :-P 
Anyhoo - This was my year - May 2012 to May 2013! 

What a year it has been! Starting with the move to Delhi, the year has gone by at breakneck speed. From learning how to manage my house to figuring out a new job, new city, new friends to completing applications and essays and forms to handling rejections and finally getting positive responses, it has been a year of extreme highs and lows.

I feel like I have spent the last year thinking about answers to supposedly deep questions and guessing how the world (or at least admissions committees) would judge me for those answers. It's been angsty, exhausting and very annoying for people who stood by me through this and I am thankful to those people for reading what I wrote, for answering my inane questions over and over and for telling me as many times I needed to hear it "you can do this! Just apply!".

What do I hope from the next year?
A little more patience - to understand that most things happen at the time they are meant to happen and always being in a hurry doesn't get me to my destination any faster.

A little more strength- to let go of dreams that can never be fulfilled and to let go of people who just don't feel the same way about me, no matter how much my gut tells me that I love them.

Fewer tears - so that I stop myself from crying at every tragedy, big or small, and learn to never let anyone or anything mess with my 'sense of self'.

Retracing familiar steps

I'm a blog stalker. Though it sounds creepy, it's a fairly mundane hobby where I visit blogs of my friends and then visit blogs of their friends... and so on. Over the years, I have some blogs that I like to visit regularly because I find their perspectives interesting or just plan entertaining. Also, there is a strange sense of comfort in knowing what other people my age, ostensibly similar to me are thinking. And of course there is the thrill of  of being the witness to someone's life without ever really knowing her/ him - just like in a novel that never ends.

Today I realized that I haven't done this in a while and followed the familiar trail over to some of the blogs. While it was nice going back and picking up the threads of their life where I had stopped reading, I was astonished that in the last year, all of them seemed to have grown up! Suddenly we're all out of college, and working and making plans or ditching plans and promising never to make plans again. Slowly we're talking about dealing with stress, about how our professions suck/ rock, about how the outside world is affecting us and in all this there is a subtle but noticeable shift in our tone. It's more sober and reasonable and somehow a lot more mundane.

I guess the characters in my never-ending-novel grew up on me when I wasn't looking.

I wish my life had background music

I've been drowning in work. And something that's helped me get through many hours is www.8tracks.com

Today I came across a playlist on the site by the same name as the title of this post and I thought hey! Yeah! I wish my life had background music! There are so many moments in a day that are funny or exuberant or tragic or full of drama, very fit for music to accompany them.

While I'm on a spree, I also wish my life had a in-slow-motion button. So I could play some moments slower than the others, really enjoy them and let the memory seep into my pores.

Why not! :D

Heavier Things

I demand too much from the people I love. I demand that they listen to me talk, assure me that there's no rat under my bed when I'm alone at home, make the small decisions..the "what do you want to eat today" and "which film should we watch" kind and never ever hang up on me when I call them.

Conversely, I demand too little from the people I don't know. There is the neighbour who's rude to me and gets away with it, the colleague who dumps all the work on me or the shopkeeper who sells me a bad product. Oh! How can I forget the maid who thinks she can bully me into buying her a pressure cooker! (maid management classes anybody?)

I may be unjust to my people and not mean enough to the strangers. So I understand why most of mine need so much space... But at the end of the day, if you claim that the walls close up on you each time I call, then you can't be anyone I love. And neither listening to David Gray nor willing for things to be different is going to change that.

Right. Now that this is out of my system, time to go shopping!!

Poop project!

Smart idea. Who cares if his other idea is going down the hole! Geddit? Heheh.  

The Festival Season!

This month saw many communities celebrating the triumph of good over evil in many different ways. It also finally dawned on me that living in C.R. Park meant that Durga Puja is the new Diwali! It was a visual treat every evening with six beautifully decorated pandals, insane crowds pouring into the locality, beautiful women dressed in the best Bengali saris with big bindis, prayer, and oh-my-God so much food.. chuskis and aloo tikki and chaat and pav bhaji and chowmein!

The festivities culminated on Dusshera day with visit to the Red Fort grounds, to experience the triumph of good versus evil first hand! The Ramlila grounds were packed to capacity. I could feel the tension emanating from the crowd, as if one mishap would trigger panic and a stampede. Nobody was pushing, but people were breathing down each other's necks (literally!), talking excitedly, intermittently yelling "Jai Shree Ram!" and crowding around food stalls.

After perfunctory speeches from the chief guests, the process of lighting up the huge statues of Raavan and his two aides kicked off. First, there were pretty firecrackers lighting up the sky, followed by the eyes of the statutes lighting up - a deep dark red. The crackers then went off right before the statutes, pulling another "Jai Shree Ram!" from the crowd, at which point, one by one, each statue exploded. The sound, the flames and the cloud of fire, made it look remarkably similar to a nuclear explosion. With the first explosion, the crowd was momentarily stunned and collectively took two steps back, as if nobody was sure if this was according to plan or had the crackers gone out of control... But then the second explosion went off and the third and everyone breathed a sigh of relief. It was safe... "Jai Shree Ram!"

The fire died down too soon though...   merely in a few minutes and the crowd pushed on, to the second Ram Lila ground to enjoy another spectacle. We lost a wallet, lost each other for a while; then found everyone and finally, after much drama, reached the metro station. Despite the crowds, the stolen-wallet and the mass hysteria, this was one Delhi experience that I'm glad I did not miss!

Work-ed Up

I am working all the time. This means that my brain is processing all my usual angst on low simmer all the time. Because there is no space for the angst to blow out. I miss Bombay. I miss my friends. I feel guilty for not hating Delhi. Even more guilty for not wanting to travel to Bombay because it is so exhausting.

Two views on friendship are warring inside my head. One view that says you fight for your friends. Fight to not leave them when they're down. Push through when they're troubled and not let them drift away, because that will only make things worse. Another part of me is telling me to give up. To not be obsessive. Move away and move on. To not love. Or love them enough to leave them alone, because it was never just a friendship. But you know, I've had this debate before. I have made the "decision" to move away and move on, several times. But I always go back - like an alcoholic. Or a battered wife (you, no thanks for the title :P). Maybe I should go to an AA meeting and tell them about my problem. Pray to what I believe in. Take it a day at a time.. a minute at a time.

I'm scared that I'm going to be stuck in Delhi forever. Working for crazies who want to "change the world". For those who believe it is okay to make me work 15 hour days, alone, at no salary, because I believe in the cause. I'm scared that I'm going to let go of my best friends because I have no time to call and say hi. Because when they call, I'm at work and when I call back they're asleep. We have decided. We're all going to stay in the same city when we grow up or grow old. And I'm going to work for crazies who don't make me work 15 hour days. Crazies like me.

When the going gets tough...

For the first time ever, I'm worried about not delivering a product on time at work. I can't get a handle on the people I'm working with and I don't know how to navigate the intense political maze that is my office.

In this moment, quite frankly, I hate it. So much so that if I had a choice, I wouldn't go to work tomorrow. As a friend of mine was saying the other day when his day was going down the drain.. "it's one of these days when you wonder why you're doing what you're doing and if it is adding any value to your life at all".

I'm just hoping I can get through this without getting fired. Or getting an ulcer.

The best house warming present ever.

Recently I visited Bunny's new place and was looking around by myself when she yelled that I should check out the soap dispenser in the bathroom. 

What I discovered was an automatic no-touch hand wash dispenser!! It looked like a cool space age gadget, all silver and black. It also had a sensor that would detect the hand (LOL) and push out some soap. Someone had actually presented this to the family as a house warming present! 

So cool. So hygienic. The best house warming present ever. Okay maybe not ever, but it will stay on top of the list until I find something so simple yet so awesome :D 

Food Coma!

Today I went for a food-walk organized by 1100 Walks. It was in Old Delhi for 4 hours starting at 4 pm. As I was leaving for Chandni Chowk at 3 pm, it seemed like a terrible idea thanks to the sun, humidity and heat. But as I sit exhausted on my bed, trying to get out of a food coma, I'm thinking that the walk was worth it despite the weather.

The greeaaatt things about the walk were

1. The food. Oh my, how I love Delhi street food! It's rich. Not too sweet or spicy, but with uhmazing flavour. It's full of desi ghee (no shady Dalda). In the 4 hours we ate kulchas, kulfi, paratha, lassi, kheer, chai... you get the picture :)

2. Old Delhi. It's a charming part of town. Full of history but still so alive in the present. I loved walking in Old Delhi and soaking in the sights and sounds

3. The route. We went pretty deep into old Delhi, basically walking around the Fatehpuri Masjid and all the way to Chawdi Bazaar. The lanes and markets were more mundane (think kites, metal parts, spices) and lesser tourist attractions.

4. Himanshu of 1100 Walks. He is charming and oh-so-cute! Doesn't give shady-guide-type speeches and genuinely enjoys the walk and the food with you.

5. The photo-opps. The light is good enough to click pictures in narrow alley-ways. Even a novice like me could take pretty pictures here!

Next time, must beware of:

1. The weather. I can only imagine how doing this in winter would be so so much better!

2. Footwear. Chappals were a bad idea. Next time I'm going with sneakers.

3. Water and my kidney. Too much water. Oh the last half hour was difficult!

Chugging along...

Days are whizzing by. Work is taking over and the City seems more familiar and by extension, more welcoming. I'm getting used to the crazy drivers on the road and friends are commenting on how I now dress like "one of the Delhi girls", whatever that be.

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I'm feeling old with my new glasses and the floor moves in a funny way when I walk. I guess one doesn't realize how fast time is passng until some shit like this goes down. Age has a way of sneaking up on people and it's suddenly a very uncomfortable feeling!

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EVERYONE must watch Barfi!. I promise that it will leave you feeling good and mushy for the rest of the day. The critics who argue that Barfi! doesn't capture the real emotions between lovers are completely missing the point. The film is about the emotions of the characters in those unique circumstances: the fear of being alone and everyone leaving you; friendship that allays this fear; possessiveness and longing. But above all it is the  innocent treatment of all these emotions that makes the film so lovely and must-watch. The film has also rekindled my Darjeeling-love. Must. Visit. 

Dedic

It was an unlikely friendship from the start. He, a shy, self-conscious junior at work - brilliant with numbers and a very keen focus on his personal style. Me, an extroverted, smiling, bumbling senior - good with people and not really caring about appearances.

When I first worked with him more than a year ago, I thought he was arrogant, self-conscious and worried too much about his tie, perfume and stupid haircut. On his part, I'm sure he thought of me as this over-bearing senior who talked too much and made too many excel mistakes to be counted as a real person!

But in the last few months, we became closer without quite realizing it. He was my light in the new city - exploring new places with me, distracting me with his own funny life problems and being around when almost everybody else was too busy in their own lives.

Now that I've said bye to him and he's leaving for London next week, I am suddenly thinking about all that I've just written about. And that I will miss him, more than I ever thought possible.

   

:)

Rainy morning. And Doogie Howser MD on TV.

Yay for Saturday!

The Saga of the Car - Part 1

Breaking news
August 22, 2012
7:55 pm

Car broken down on panchsheel flyover. Zen driven by some crazy woman who thinks she can survive in this city.

Her car was pushed to the side of the road by some looney men who waved and yelled goodbye in the creepiest way after helping her.

She's now waiting for help to arrive as she contemplates whether she should laugh or cry at her situation and the various ways she's going to carve out the flesh of the man who sold her this piece of junk.

Hah! Foolish foolish woman.

Fear

Recent events should have made me angry. Instead I'm scared. If this can happen in Mumbai, to a well-to-do lawyer, it can happen anywhere and to anyone.

My new motto: keep your head down and go about your business. And pray that someone up there is keeping you safe. 

Oh, such a noob!

My gas cylinder went empty on me last night as I was boiling potatoes. Of course, my brain had started assuming that I had a gas pipeline with never-ending supply and the gas cylinder had become a blind-spot - so this was a huge surprise!

Since then, I have tried many many things to get some gas, to no avail. Friends with extra gas cylinders have either already given them on loan or can't because they are the official booked connections. The black market guys are notorious for being untraceable. "Agar aagayaa toh mei cylinder le loonga..." says the guard. "Kab aayegaa?" I ask patiently, to which he says "..... mei toh abhi aayaa hoon (like from home or have you just joined this duty?!).... jabbhi aajaaye mei le loonga... aaj, kal, parso..."

Oh well, I'm praying to get my morning tea soon.. kal, parso, narso...

Deflated /Delhi bitching - 2

As I made my way towards the car on Sunday morning, I had no idea that the next few hours were going to squash my Sunday spirit and give me plenty of reasons to add to my "Delhi bitching" series. I was groggy, just waking up after a long night spent in high spirits and as I reached  where my car was parked I heard a woman sternly ask me, "is this your car?"

I turned, looked at her angry face, nodded and the woman launched into a moralistic lecture on how literate people like me couldn't pay attention to little red and white sign boards saying "No Parking, Tyres will be deflated", how she had to "urgently" go somewhere at 6:30 in the morning (later I found out that this urgent trip was to the fucking gym) and how ashamed I should be. I sheepishly admitted to my mistake and said I was sorry, feeling terrible that the lady probably had somewhere urgent to go and was stuck because of my car. Angry at myself I got in and reversed the car when my friend shouted for me to stop and pointed to my car's deflated tyre.

I jumped out of the car, yelled for the woman and like a petulant child ranted, "If you've already punished me by deflating the tyres of my car, I don't think I should be listening to your lecture or saying sorry to you. In fact, I'm not sorry at all. **SQ!#D" In the same petulant-child-mode, I stormed away, driving my car in 1st gear to nearest repair shop.

2 hours, much sweat and 1 soiled jacket later I was back home with a replacement tyre that made my car wobble and a temper that refused to settle down. My problem isn't with admitting that I made a mistake.

My problem is that the people of  Delhi are unforgiving bullies. In other cities (read: Mumbai), there is ONLY ONE authority that can put up no-parking signs, and it is the traffic police. Even the traffic police doesn't deflate the tyres of your car and potentially damage your property. They calmly tow away your car and wait for you to pay the fine.

In Delhi, every resident is a police man. Each house has a default no-parking sign posted and every single person has the "right" to damage my property, yell at me and be terrorist-like in their behaviour. An eye for an eye. There is nothing I can do about it, but leave. And be paranoid about it the next time I park my car.

In the last two days, I've added as many reasons for not settling down in Delhi. People deflating my car tyres and friends moving out for better education and better cities.

The list is only getting longer.