When the going gets tough...

For the first time ever, I'm worried about not delivering a product on time at work. I can't get a handle on the people I'm working with and I don't know how to navigate the intense political maze that is my office.

In this moment, quite frankly, I hate it. So much so that if I had a choice, I wouldn't go to work tomorrow. As a friend of mine was saying the other day when his day was going down the drain.. "it's one of these days when you wonder why you're doing what you're doing and if it is adding any value to your life at all".

I'm just hoping I can get through this without getting fired. Or getting an ulcer.

Chugging along...

Days are whizzing by. Work is taking over and the City seems more familiar and by extension, more welcoming. I'm getting used to the crazy drivers on the road and friends are commenting on how I now dress like "one of the Delhi girls", whatever that be.

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I'm feeling old with my new glasses and the floor moves in a funny way when I walk. I guess one doesn't realize how fast time is passng until some shit like this goes down. Age has a way of sneaking up on people and it's suddenly a very uncomfortable feeling!

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EVERYONE must watch Barfi!. I promise that it will leave you feeling good and mushy for the rest of the day. The critics who argue that Barfi! doesn't capture the real emotions between lovers are completely missing the point. The film is about the emotions of the characters in those unique circumstances: the fear of being alone and everyone leaving you; friendship that allays this fear; possessiveness and longing. But above all it is the  innocent treatment of all these emotions that makes the film so lovely and must-watch. The film has also rekindled my Darjeeling-love. Must. Visit. 

Oh, such a noob!

My gas cylinder went empty on me last night as I was boiling potatoes. Of course, my brain had started assuming that I had a gas pipeline with never-ending supply and the gas cylinder had become a blind-spot - so this was a huge surprise!

Since then, I have tried many many things to get some gas, to no avail. Friends with extra gas cylinders have either already given them on loan or can't because they are the official booked connections. The black market guys are notorious for being untraceable. "Agar aagayaa toh mei cylinder le loonga..." says the guard. "Kab aayegaa?" I ask patiently, to which he says "..... mei toh abhi aayaa hoon (like from home or have you just joined this duty?!).... jabbhi aajaaye mei le loonga... aaj, kal, parso..."

Oh well, I'm praying to get my morning tea soon.. kal, parso, narso...

Confession

I need a fixer. To fix my job anxiety. I loved the work I did for two years, but I don't want to do it anymore. Yes, my friends are right - it's weird to be unemployed at 25-going-on-26 and weirder still to be content to wait for the right job to come along, but my gut is telling me that it's the right thing to do for now. Once I'm older and have to be more responsible, I may not have the luxury to wait for the most interesting job and do what sounds like fun!


I need a fixer. To fix a broken friendship. I don't want to feel the faint heart burn when I'm talking to someone and I realize that a lot has changed and we're not the same people anymore. I want to feel happy for that person when he tells me about other relationships without feeling resentful that I was not treated with similar respect. I want to wipe the slate clean and start afresh so that I have no memories except that he'z ma frnd and that I care.  

I need a fixer.If you're reading this and do magic, send one my way.

Culture Shock

Singapore was brighter and shinier than I had anticipated. Singapore emanates the efficient and convenient vibe, with the trains running on time, taxis always stopping in the taxi queue and never saying no to customers and with iPhone apps designed by Singapore Tourism to help me get around the city. All in all, Singapore turned out to be the perfect location for a holiday where I wanted no stress and nothing to bombard my senses.

The huge malls, the mega brands and the beautiful clothes were expected. So were the efficient trains, lovely food joints, the amusement parks and idyllic museums with convenient audio guides. The comfort provided by the sheer first-worldness of the city was enough to make me feel better.

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But now I'm home and down with a massive throat infection. Trust me to come out of Africa and fall sick in Singapore! The lack of activity and house arrest is adding to my anxiety about what the future is going to bring. I (vaguely) know what I want to do, but the thought of putting myself out there and finding a job and moving on in life is scary.

Before I Forget - 2

November to February. My favourite places in Malawi. Restaurants, bars, tourist towns - you've got them all in Top Five, Edition 2!!  

5. Harry's Bar :- the latest pub frequented by the expat community, people bitched about the badly stocked bar, the small menu, the slow service, but always went back. I think one of the big reasons was how flexible and homey Harry's is. You can hold quiz night, organize a party, get a guitar and drums and entertain the crowd with minimum fuss or even set up a temporary store with minimum fuss. The old couches, the long wooden bar and mismatched furniture, only add to the charm!


4. Bombay Palace:- makes the list for being the restaurant we went to the most number of times. Authentic Punjabi food and a central location combined to make the restaurant very popular in our circle. Miles ahead of its competitor, Country Lodge, this was one place where I could eat Dal Roti Chicken in peace.


3. Zomba Plateau: 4 hours from Lilongwe, this is not an obvious flat plateau but nevertheless a beautiful, green and lush mountain that finally makes Malawi less tame and more Africa-esque. It is surrounded by quirky temperate forests (yes, in the middle of a hot, south of the tropics country!) with a river flowing down the mountain. We didn't trek but you could!

2. Anna Khofi or Some-Such-Name/ Four Seasons :- the best (and perhaps only) Deli in town. They served brilliant sandwiches, salads and cake. Eating a late lunch at the Deli and staying on for Jazz at Four Seasons, where you could lounge on the grass and listen to music, had become a pleasant and comforting Sunday routine.

1. Cape Mac, Lake Malawi:- blue, pristine and dotted with small green islands, Lake Malawi at Cape Mac is pretty as a picture. While going there with 30 other people and Gecko's (backpacker's inn and the biggest party in town) contributed to the fun and frenzied weekend, I can still imagine spending many quiet days by the beach with nothing to do but read, float in the water and soak up the sun.   

Why I think my brain is made out of Cheese

I often read articles friends have "shared" on Facebook, just for the heck of it.  These range form superfluous, ridiculous, overly opinionated to downright lies. Maybe it was my state of mind, but I found this article, cheesily titled Why Love Matters More (And Less) Than You Think that hit home.


"Perhaps our celebrations of "love" are so often tinged with a quiet desperation because what we're really pursuing is a caricature of love. And perhaps by endlessly redrawing that caricature, we ourselves are lessened, little by little; as if we feel we don't fully belong in the human world, but can't quite understand why. None of us belong here. But we are here. And there's not enough time. Cut the bullshit. Love."


And I see what he means. A lot of us crib about being single, get angsty on Valentine's Day, scout out new people at social gatherings, have random sex with strangers all in the bid to get what we want. But beneath all this, we seem so afraid to articulate what it is exactly that we want. I have a friend who's been around the block a couple of times and she mentioned to me once that her biggest problem is often that she can't read the subtext of what the guy wants out of a particular encounter. You may want a casual no-strings-attached-sex-only relationship, but then you have no right to be cagey and make promises you have no intention of keeping. You may want to get married today and not wait for the next two years, but if you don't say it out loud, you cannot expect the other person to be ready. 


In all fairness, every time someone asks me what kind of person I would like to like, I make up vague clichéd statements and generally avoid the topic. But honestly, I want someone who will ground my life and also add some crazy to it. Someone who won't give me too much attention but will still let me know that I am special to him; call it as it is when I'm being an ass but respect the work I do; want to argue with me on silly issues without taking it personally and be comfortable with the space that he will occupy in my life without being scared of it. 


Of course, when I think that I've found someone who could potentially fit the bill and he turns out to be a jerk, it feels like someone's burnt me with a hot iron. On my part, I'm rather dramatic and filmi when I get hurt. I queue up sad, wrenching songs on my playlist, get into the shower, turn the water to scalding hot and just cry until I'm numb and I can't feel anything. 


But maybe what I should be thinking is that there's not enough time to cry over what happened any more. He's gone and I can't care because I need to find that person who's going to call it as it is when I'm being an ass.

Broken

And this time it's forever.


I think I'm going to throw up. 


"There will be an answer, let it be", the band is singing. Haha. So ironic.

Finding comfort in beans and rice

Beans and rice is the (fake) national food of Malawi. The culture in most African countries involves one national dish that the junta eats day in and day out, literally, for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Nsima and beef  with Nali (hot sauce that comes in mild, hot and garlic flavours) is the (real) national food of Malawi - but since I don't eat beef, I have co-opted the vegetarian option as being my daily food.

There is something comforting about eating beans and rice with Garlic nali. I had this for lunch after a particularly gruelling morning of making phone calls to NGOs asking them why they couldn't send in required information within the deadline. There are some parts of this job that make me want to pull my hair out - and I have a feeling that the next four weeks are going to be terribly frustrating.

There is something comforting about eating beans and rice for dinner after a prolonged and bewildering conversation that makes me question parts of my life and makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I know I have actively hurt others in my life and yet I am always surprised when someone else hurts me - so silly to feel that way.  

I know I will find my way at my maddeningly slow pace. I just hope I get my beans and rice wherever I go :)

One more new beginning

The year long forecast for Aries was depressingly filled with adjectives such a difficult, lonely, introspective and stressful. 

I am, however, suppose to emerge stronger-  Like metal strengthened by the fire :P 

So begins one more year, full of hope! 

“Serious, wicked business!” – 17

I’m sitting in the dimly lit, cozy lounge of Kiboko Hotel in Area – 3 in Lilongwe listening to bartender singing along to cheesy songs by Malawian singers (example in the title!). Lilongwe is a sleepy little town that is slowly waking up due to the government moving there with bag, baggage and Parliament. Not particularly organized or well planned, the city is still divided into “Areas” that seem to follow a (somewhat) chronological order through out the city.

Area 3 is the Colaba of Lilongwe. It is right next to the Old Town market and houses the city’s 3 grocery stores, 5 restaurants and 3 banks. As locations go, I’ve just moved to the hippest and most expensive part of town. It is so hip that I walked into a grocery store and could buy my favorite comfort food – peanut butter! – for a very very expensive 700 MK.

Malawi is also clearly plagued with the problem of inflation. I may understand imported peanut butter costing 250 rupees but paying 2000 rupees for an adopter plug and 350 rupees for a meal of curry and rice in Africa seems cripplingly expensive. With the tobacco companies leaving, the tea industry dying out and the lack of any natural resources to exploit, Malawi’s situation is indeed dire.

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This week has been full of personal dramas that were blissfully absent for the past so many months. While some of my people managed to destroy relationships due to sheer immaturity and very very bad judgment; I managed to humiliate myself by assuming that friendships wouldn’t change in the course of a few months if I put enough effort into them. For all the advice about letting go at the right time, I’m always depressed by my inability to cut and run when I see that the other person doesn’t care and I’m going to get hurt if I stay. It’s a skill I need to develop – immediately.

For all the sad drama, I know that even if I die alone, I will have lived in the hippest address in Malawi. Now I bet not many people can make that claim :)

Love and (some hate) list!

1. I love running. 10 minutes spent reading go by very quickly. Time passes even faster for 10 minutes spent watching TV. But 10 minutes running seems like an eternity. My trainer says  it's all in the mind. That if you can convince your mind to run for 10 minutes straight, the body will follow. Deep.

2. I love Bandra restaurants. The best ones are those you discover in the small by-lanes of Bandra: small, cosy and relaxed but with enough fancy food to make it hip.

3. I hate Bandra women. They never smile, they're always so well put together in their designer clothes and high heels. And they try to run me over ever so often! I wish all the Bandra women lived somewhere else. They could take their men with them, if it helps...

4. I hate that Landmark is getting renovated. They didn't have a single book I was looking for. Not even Fitzgerald!

5. I love afternoon naps in October. The heat lulls you into sleeping for a bit. But what really makes it luxurious is the AC and the blanket in the middle of the day. I don't know how I live without afternoon naps when I work.

6. I love the festival buzz in the air. Navratri, Diwali, Christmas going right till the new year. I can't wait for the city to light up!
 
7. I love Bath and Body passion fruit cream. And I'm dying for winter to come fasssttt so I can use it :)

Traveling Pants

This was the first time I visited Bangalore in the last 7 years without going to college. Sure I met people from college, discussed college gossip and politics..but I did not cross the Majestic bridge and I think that signaled quite a big step in the "growing up" process. As I discussed this with a friend, she pointed out that there were many other big steps we were taking towards that - such as marrying other people, thus leading to the advent of  bachelorette parties. Like having epic noisy get-togethers along with husbands and significant others.

Obviously, this angle of the weekend made me feel old so I decided to revisit my bucket list. I've been keeping a  list on my phone for the past few months now (after a friend put up a similar list) and adding stuff to it whenever the thought strikes me. It made me take notice of a lot of things that I've wanted for a while but have not consciously made any effort to get. Two things struck me when I looked at the list today. One, that it was still rather short. And two, that I may not ever do some of these things because of various reasons, but at least I've got my eye on what I want at the end of the day! So here goes, my current list in no particular order...

1. Get a dog
2. Act in a film: as an extra even
3. Get a tattoo
4. Visit every continent
5. Learn to play an instrument enough for it to keep me company on rainy-alone-at-home days
6. Drive a truck
7. Do the Ireland trip with the girls
8. Complete a proper canvas painting
9.Start my own business. Preferably a shop of some sort and preferably with the girls
10. Visit all the States in India
     

Stir Crazy

"....that's all! I've just been thinking about it, now i'm thinking about fractal equations, now I'm thinking about the origin of the phrase train of thought, now I'm thinking about trains... now I'm thinking about Jello, oh I'm back to trains, choo choo"   - Sheldon (yes, I would marry him)  


Thoughts flip from one topic to another at the speed of light. So of course, I'm documenting them right here. 


1. Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara is undoubtedly the best chick flick of the year. So much eye candy in one movie!! It's also pretty trippy in parts ---> like the sky diving scene where they decided to play the "saare jahaan se achcha" soundtrack in the background. It's intuition, not logic!  


2. Speaking of national songs, I was watching this English film recently and as I was standing up for the national anthem I heard a girl sitting behind me say "I don't understand why they're playing the national anthem now. It's an English film, for God's sake!" ... I mean, are these people real??!


3. I've realized that I'm a very big believer of the "jinx". Whenever I think some fact of life is very important, I'm likely not to tell anyone for fear of the imminent act being jinxed. It's scary. I might stop admitting things to myself at this rate!  


4. Udaipur is a beautiful city. The rains and clouds shroud the city in this cool blanket which make it great fun to hang out! It houses one of the biggest palaces as well as one of the most vibrant small town markets! 


5 To my imaginary readers from LJ; welcome to the new improved blogspot website! :D